Forfeit

This poem grew out of one that I wrote on the same day, but which is much weaker, except for the last two lines which I really like. I've posted that first poem below it.--Susan, 19 Jul 06

Forfeit v1 and first attempt

Forfeit RFv1--RFRY, 19 Jul 06

I took what you were laying down and really ran with it. Mine I don't think is as focused but it's a lot more tonal and less story-based than what I'm usually putting forward, so I like that about it. I picked up on the strong images and feeling and just ran with them, more or less. It loses some of the ... nice pressure encapsulated in yours but I think amps up the despair. Also uses repetition, something I don't usually do all that much. Anyway, hope it's at least interesting. I'm glad you've posted--please post more. Very interesting. Very good.--RFRY

I really like what you did. I don't agree that yours loses any of the original pressure, if anything I think yours is more insistent, more urgent. I agree with you though, that yours picks up on the the thread of despair in the original and, as you said, amps it up. Thanks v. much. --Susan